Starved for something more....

"This Christmas season is gonna be different! I'm not gonna feel overwhelmed and jaded by this world! I want to enjoy the wonder of Christmas and share it openly with my family and others!"

hmmm...have I been tested or WHAT this year. One evening last week, I felt this crazy rage to scream at my kids about everything and be cold to my loved ones...just because I felt like LOSING IT! It appeared to be that "way in over my head" feeling that accompanies any holiday for me. I took a step back and yearned to shake off the mundane and crack open my cold heart so God cold fill it with HIS wonder and joy. I just couldn't do it. Instead, I tried to control my actions and emotions on my own. I think I did a pretty good job, too if I say so myself! Until, I realized that I was only going through the motions and NOT feeling anything at all for anyone! Seriously...I have that tremendous talent for "checking out". I can actually be in a room and NOT be in the room. Does anyone out there feel me?

I needed to grasp the wonder of God's love in a bad way! My own love is found wanting and failing. I do not love as God loves. I fall short of His expectations and desires for my heart. Basically, my heart is just plain slammed shut, air tight! You know, that big slam that rattled the whole house after you've come in from outside and your mom yells "shut the door! were you born in a barn?!" I sometimes get to the point where, even if I feel love there, I don't always take the time to express it, I don't follow through with actions that fully embody true love, forgiveness, long suffering (picking up those dirty soccer cleats from in front of the garage door for the 1000th time gets REALLY old. I actually fell flat out on my hard wood kitchen floor with arms full of Christmas presents.) Was I embarrassed? Nope... I was MAD!!!!!!

SACRIFICE...

The words of Ps 9:1 "I will praise You O Lord with my whole heart, I will tell of Your wonders..." was NOT really at the forefront of my mind at that moment! Until later that night when I was exhausted and kneeling by my bed. He reminded me...in a gentle, kind way that hit my hard heart like a ton of bricks! this verse is a public declaration of God's goodness and wonders! Am I declaring how wonderful my God is. Am I screaming of His love? Ps 34:8 says that He is a good, trustworthy,matchless lover "compassionate and gracious...abounding in love and faithfulness." (86:15) I so desperately need to be reminded of God's love for me, I'm pretty sure we all do!

This Christmas...come with me to that place where we open up our hearts, shake off the lethargy and coldness. May we each soften our hearts to fully experience God's love for us. I'm thinkin' that His love will SHINE through us to those around us, not just our acquaintances at church, school or the "hood". But to those who love us the most and put up with us every day...our precious families! I'M JUST PLAIN STARVED FOR SOMETHING MORE THIS CHRISTMAS! how 'bout you?